Thursday, January 13, 2011

Are the winds of change blowing or is that just the empty space between my ears?

Let see, where to start?

About a year and a half ago I was offered a great opportunity for advancement within my company. When the position became available, I had only toyed with the idea of taking it. When one of the owner's of my company came up and said that he thought I would be amazing in this position, I applied. One would think that it an owner tells you how great you would be, you would get it right? Wrong. To add insult to injury, not only was I passed over for a complete whack-a-doo, I was charged with training her. Several months later when she decided to stop showing up for work I was asked yet again to take the position, but turned it down.

That event really set things in motion for me with school. I had always been meaning to go back, but kept finding different excuses to delay the process.

Last Summer I started my first semester at the college to hopefully be accepted into their LPN program. I jumped through every single hoop they threw at me and still it wasn't good enough. I know I have made mistakes in my past, but who hasn't?They are really holding things that I did when I was 18 against me 12 years later. Really? The really frustrating part is that only one of my classes from my first attempt at school even transferred. My current straight A average wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough.

While all of this was going on in my professional life, I started having some odd feelings in my personal life. Lately and when I say lately for about the past year, I have been feeling like Ben and I need to have a child. Not just any child, but one that is adopted. The notion of physically having a child hadn't even entered my mind until someone else brought it up. Maybe it was the scarring experience miracle of childbirth I was witness to with my first niece that is making me nervous or maybe I don't want my hips to spread. Who knows.

Ben and I had started to have conversations here and there about kids. Specifically, how I changed my mind about wanting them. We set a time line to really figure it out when I was done with school. So in my mind, I was roughly a little over a year from having a baby and finally starting my family with Ben. Neither of us would be in school anymore and would have the time to focus on a family. All I needed to do was continue checking off the items on my list and then go get a baby.

Then that stupid letter came. The one that everyone assured me would be just fine. The one that I had put all my hopes on. The one that I hadn't even considered could be bad. The one that might as well read, "we regret to inform you that you no can haz behbeh".

Now what?

Is there really a greater plan in place for me? Is that something that I tell myself to make me feel better about not quite having what it takes? I really want to believe that God has greater things in store for me and this is all happening for a reason, but it's hard. Believe me, I know I could have things way, way worse. I know that I have a great life, with a great husband and I am incredibly thankful for all that has been given to me. I just wish I had some clue which direction I'm headed.

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